Friday, May 31, 2013

This was the photo that started it all. While I should have been looking at it and seeing a nice photo of my son and I, I saw the hugeness that is my face. It was like a car accident- I wanted to look away but I couldn't. And the more I looked at it, the more I saw myself for truly how I am- too big. I have always been overweight but this was beyond that. I was shocked and disgusted...and motivated. It took me a few months to really focus on what needed to be done. I had tried halfheartedly to lose weight before, but never stuck to it, because I have never really minded being a big girl.I have never suffered at the hands of a bully, or at least not one I couldn't handle, and I have always had self-confidence (perhaps too much.) But that photo, that face, that was something other than big. That was unhealthy. And I didn't ever want to be that. But let me start from the beginning... I think puberty probably is when I started gaining weight and it steadily increased throughout my childhood. I don't recall feeling all that different or alienated or uncomfortable about my weight. I have always had a wonderful, loving, accepting support system of friends and family. And then college. Oh college, with endless dining hall options, late night food orders and alcohol. In the two years I was away at school, I don't remember eating a salad once. I do, however, to this day, about 13 years later, fantasize about the Make Your Own Belgian Waffle station. Flash forward to me at age 22- pregnant. And that is when the body I had known became something foreign. Its a familiar tale for most women. After I had my daughter, I became consumed in her care and pushed my own out of my mind. I ate what she ate. I drank soda to bridge the energy gap. I worked and sometimes didn't feel like cooking so we ate fast food. I never had time to exercise. And so it went, for years. I became pregnant with my son when my daughter was 6. When he was born prematurely, it became even more soda now mixed with primarily hospital or fast food. When he came home, he was unable to be in childcare, so I stayed home with him. I watched a lot of daytime tv. I ate, sometimes mindlessly. I never noticed the effects that had on me until the picture above. Then I saw it, and the bottom fell out. I realized that I am at higher risk for diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure just by virtue of family history and I am not doing anything to avoid it by carrying around this extra weight. If I wanted to see my children grow up, or if I wanted to run with them, or even lay with them without feeling uncomfortable, then I had to do something, and fast. I owed it to them. I always say there is nothing I wouldn't do for my kids. So this will be the true test of that statement, as I am embarking on this mission, for real this time, to be there for them for as long as I can be, as healthily as I can be. So here's the deal- I'm cheap and busy and without childcare 90% of the time, so I am doing Weight Watchers Points Plus unofficially. I don't do meetings but I bought a kit and calculator used. I learned everything I could about the program from the Internet. And I also just started tracking on My Fitness Pal. I have started exercising regularly...walking at least 2 miles three days a week or more, recumbent bike and Wii Fit at home and the gym when I can. I started all this in earnest about three months ago. I am down 20.2 pounds from my last official (aka last physical exam) weight. This blog will not only a way for me to track my progress, share recipes and tips, but also a measure to keep me accountable. I am super motivated right now but if that wanes then there will be this, and this audience, to keep me going in the right direction. So come along. I am a woman on a mission to change my life!